unstable.  wish i could find the journalbook i bought at pennsic.

things i wanted to put in it --

musings on polyamory
musings on my relationships
body image and eating disorder issues

uncharacteristically combative/violent tonight.  i could go sparring with someone, or get in a seriously aggressive wrestling match, or have a major hate fuck, the kind that leaves me sore and jangled and tired and in desperate need of a calming shower.  it's nice to not be feeling this way when i am also feeling self-destructive -- e.g. tonight i am not feeling self-destructive. 

nice to not have to go through the "how can i damage myself unobtrusively so i don't have to deal with interrogation or pitying looks from the people i love?" train of thought.

bad day.  dangerously unstable.  keeping a veneer over it all.

wonder what's going to give.

this is not worth my time.

bad body day.

funny how those stupid body-acceptance sites never help.

every so often i'm reminded of how wonderful you are.

please forgive me for not telling you as often as i should that i love you and that you light up my life with your presence.  <3

the sweat is literally rolling off my body.  quads are shaking, biceps are hot and tired, i am covered in sweat and my calves are in open, blatant mutiny.  and i LOVE this.

i am transforming myself into something you -- i -- WE can be proud of.  i am becoming

myself

beautiful

strong.

wallet lost.  hung up on.  cheated on.  FML.  FML FMFL.

i have a tiny predator in my lap.

when he looks at me i can see his reflective eyes and the places where his tiny fangs poke through when he smiles at me.  i can feel his little saber-claws between his raspberry toe-pads.

he lays in my lap, on his back, my forearm along the softness of his belly between his legs and his head in my other hand, front paws folded carelessly.  he embodies trust, this tiny predator.  i snip mats from beneath his chin, mats he groomed into his hair because he was nervous, nervous and worried since i was gone. 

he only does this when he's feeling relaxed and lovey.  when he's stiff or upset, he'll sleep elsewhere or sit and watch me.

if the dogs don't work out here, it will be because they didn't work with alisdair.  i am not going to sacrifice this cat's beautiful, trusting nature.

all i wanted was empathy.

why am i not worth that?